Hot Bodies are a Dime a Dozen, and a Misplaced Priority.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Daniel Apodaca on Unsplash

A hot body, while a seeming hot commodity, is actually commonplace, as well as not particularly special. While it’s true that much of our country is overweight, it’s nearly as easy to glance amidst a sea of individuals and note a plethora of slim, gym honed bodies as well.

Far too often, we make this way more compelling than it should be. While a taut and toned body can be enticing (I find them so just as much as the next person), we put way too much emphasis and stock in this. Making it a highly prized, focused on, and even perceived crucial commodity in the dating realm (as well as a priority of everyday life).

Periodically, we lump a sexy body together with assuming a person to be more compelling, impressive, or “better” than others, simply by means of their sleek appearance. A “great body” regularly thrown in with other shallow, misguided priorities we tend to seek in potential romantic matches, such as “height” or “income.”

Qualities which tell us absolutely nothing about the type of partner someone will be, or what kind of person someone is.

Misguided priorities which often lead to initial coupling up, and then result in (fast forward several months, even a year or two) glaring mismatches or not insignificant relational dissatisfaction. For the primary reason that our choice was largely based on superficial factors. Ones which tell us nothing about the character of a person.

Don’t get me wrong, one should certainly feel attraction toward and desire for their partner. That is one of the key aspects of what makes a romance a romance.

However, we place far too much weight (pun intended) on superficial, largely exterior, shallow traits. Characteristics which may look great on paper, or appear covet worthy from the outside looking in, though which indicate nothing regarding what kind of a partner someone will be.

Things which have little to no bearing on relational aspects and character such as, how might this person treat you? How thoughtful or romantic will they be? Are they kind? Trustworthy? Will they prize, treasure, and uphold both you and the relationship?

We hone in on trivial qualities and traits, then often enough, later learn that this person may not posses the most upstanding or top notch character. The character of a person being far more telling with regard to what the health and happiness of a relationship will be, as opposed to more easily accessible traits that lie on the surface.

This is a mistake. And in some scenarios, it can even be a grave one.

There must be much more as to why you love and have committed to your partner beyond:

“They are hot.”

“He/she has a great body.”

“They are charismatic and charming.”

“He is tall/she is petite.”

“She/he makes good money.”

“She/he has an impressive position professionally.”

“We both love exercise and Mexican food.”

They have zero bearing on whether they’ll be a great partner or not. Ultimately, they tell you nothing about someone.

Even further, in some cases, they give indicator of certain traits that might not be ideal or healthy in a relational partner. Such as the overly selfie occupied individual, this indicating an exceedingly self focused person, superficiality, and much reliance on the validation of others in order to feel good. Or, a person who places much importance on their partner’s salary, body type, or how their partner appears on paper. All of these indicate a likely lack of depth, potentially shallow personality, and misplaced priorities.

Those who are hyper fixated on their own appearance, as well as the exterior of others, are likely to be shallow, vein, and insecure. As opposed to more deep thinking, with inner contentment, healthy boundaries, and one capable of deep connection with others.

At its worst, this could indicate an eating disorder. This is a whole different ball game, and ultimately indicates someone unlikely to be a healthy or emotionally available partner until they are able to get sufficient help and heal.

That aside, hot bodies are a dime a dozen. Spending hours at the gym sculpting oneself and patrolling over what one eats is something most people, if they wished to spend the time on it, could do. Thus, it’s not particularly impressive, nor especially telling in terms of who someone is on the inside.

Too often, we let the covers of books (aka, our exteriors) lure on that aspect alone, instead of pausing to read the synopsis or consider reviews (aka, actually take time to learn about the person first). Then, several chapters into the book for which we’ve just paid and invested in while knowing nothing about it, there is significant likelihood that we will realize, meh, not for me after all. That, had one known the weaknesses or story line of the book, they likely would not have chosen it after all.

This example is, of course, on a far lesser scale than choosing a romantic partner (which carries much higher emotional stakes). You get the idea though.

(Quick, crucial side note: by means of my overall message, I am not saying that health is unimportant, and that one should toss aside any concern with maintaining a healthy weight and one’s health. This is far from one in the same with the message of my article).

On sleeping with someone, our body releases bonding chemicals which lead to feelings of attachment and intimacy. Many, many people mistake the sensation of these chemicals as evidence that they are “falling for” someone and further, that they should most certainly date this person. That the two of them must be a great match based on a handful of sex sessions, a couple of dates, and these chemical induced feelings.

Good sex does not a good match make.

This is the danger of jumping in fast with regards to physical intimacy, as well as placing too much priority or focus on the wrong relational priorities (aka, hot bodies).

That, significant investment incurred and later on down the road, only to realize one made a mistake. And that, had they paid more attention or proceeded with greater observation and careful consideration, it would have been unlikely to play out in such a way.

We would be far more likely to select the right relational matches sooner, or even the first time around, as opposed to making more relational mishaps and having to endure much heart ache in the interim, if we focused on partner priorities which gave us genuine indication on what a person’s character is, as opposed to prioritizing shallow, exterior qualities.

Great indications of character and telling traits for a potentially good partner can include observing things such as:

How this person treats others.

Whether they are honest, even when it’s difficult or may result in embarrassment on their part.

Are they intelligent and introspective?

Are they a focused and present listener? A lot of people, even wonderful ones, are not. This ultimately making the forming of deep connections with them challenging.

Are they open to feedback, and do they actively seek personal growth?

Are they generally emotionally healthy? And in personal areas which they may be weak or challenged, are they aware of this, as well as working on improving?

Do they treat you with kindness and respect?

Do they show interest in and getting to know the people you love? (They do not have to love, or even like all the people that you do. They should, however, show that initial openness and interest toward getting to know these people).

Are they reliable?

When expressing your relational needs, are they receptive? And do they follow up with action, displaying an obvious concern for and interest in your needs?

Do they challenge you, in a healthy, constructive way, when need be? Do they point out to you, when and if you are doing things which might cause hurt to yourself (emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it) or others?

These are a few relevant signs and things to watch for that are likely indicators of a potentially great partner.

Of course, many terrible partners might have a few of these traits. Merely by means of their having a couple of these does not automatically make someone a good partner. As with on the flip side, wonderful people who are generally great partners will have weaknesses, as well as occasional bad moments.

The key to figuring out the overall character of a person is in watching someone closely over many, many occasions. Observing their behavior in a number of scenarios. And prioritizing character driven traits, as opposed to irrelevant ones like a “hot body.”

Written by

Fervent writer. Ravenous reader. Impassioned with words. Relationship researcher. Social Scientist. Social Justice Advocate. Author.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store