Wow. This was a poignant, emotionally affecting, raw read. Thank you so much for writing it. Though not a mother myself, I have experienced emotionally close, loving, deeply meaningful connections with many children throughout my life thus far. I generally love and delight in children. I have no desire to have my own children.
And the above aside, I am 110% sure there are many other parents, men and women, who have children with or without disabilities or other challenges, who feel exactly as you do. They just don’t say it, because our culture is a black and white one. Because we do not allow for contradiction or complex, layered, even conflicting emotions to be possible.
You can love your child deeply, and wish you didn’t have a child, feel both at the same time. I feel sure of it. Thank you so much for your bravery in writing this, in sharing these conflicting and deeply difficult emotions. I wish more people had your courage in sharing your humanity and realness. Something we all have within, though rarely do we speak of it openly.
Often times, human emotions are not logical, they do not always make sense, and they do contradict. As much as we try to make them so.
I wonder if seeking alternate supports would be possible, outside of your parents? Cultivating a connection with one or two babysitters who you might call upon when in need? A neighbor, colleague whom you like, someone you might know via another social connection who could assist? Your parents, especially mother, is wrong. Her view of your mothering is extremist, unfair, and totally black and white.
I hope that in writing this and receiving responses, you might feel a sense of validation and support, as well as that pathways might open up, or you seek them yourself, or both, in order to help you create some semblance of better support for yourself.