You Will Experience Crushes On and Desire Toward Others While In Love With Your Partner.

This is normal, healthy, and human. Here’s how to deal with it.

We have this strange idea culturally that, “if one is truly in love with their partner and the relationship is great,” they will “never experience desire or romantic feelings towards another person,” and that “if they do” it indicates something wrong with their romantic relationship.

This is nonsensical and unrealistic idiocy.

Human beings will experience sensations of interest, attraction, and desire for others, even if and while in love and quite happy with their romantic partner.

Some people do not have this experience. That is also true. There are people for whom when they feel in love with and fully immersed in their romantic relationship, they do not feel any flickers of interest or attraction toward other people. This is also healthy and good.

Many people, however, do. And this does not imply, nor is it synonymous with the idea that they are no longer in love with or committed to or fully engaged emotionally with their current relationship.

That is like saying, if I become emotionally close with another friend, it means I no longer deeply love and feel close with my best friend.

Yes, there are times when desire does indicate something lacking or missing in our current romance. Just as often though, it indicates nothing of the sort. Other than the fact that a person is human and we all will experience desire and draw toward other people, as long as we are alive.

This is because sexuality, desire, and the like are innate aspects of being human. They are healthy aspects of our minds and bodies.

The reason why experiencing desire for someone outside of their relationship creates problems for so many people, such as extra-relational affairs and wrestling with dramatic emotional conundrums like feeling that one “has to choose,” or experiencing a sense of panic along the lines of, “oh my god, I have feelings for someone else, so now I have to do something about it” is because we’ve decided that emotions like desire or attraction toward others require action. That something must be done with them. That we must act.

This is what trips us up.

A crush does not require action, nor is it a call to action.

Desire does not need follow up.

Attraction does not mean something “must be done” or addressed.

You are going to feel desire…interest…attraction many times throughout your life.

It is not sudden evidence that you should be with this person now.

If you acted on every single crush and attraction, you would be perpetually bouncing from one relationship to the next. Then within each, eventually, with time, you would experience desire and attraction toward someone else again too. And in continuing the cycle of assuming that a crush or desire requires action, then dumping the person, and bouncing on over to the next relationship. It would be a never-ending cycle. For many people, it is.

So you see?

Lust is not a must in terms of doing something.

It can certainly feel that way. It’s hard, to feel desire toward someone and contain it. However, crushes, lust, attraction, all of the above, are going to come and go throughout your time on earth.

This will happen when you are single, and it will happen when you are in a happy and loving relationship.

That is because, as humans, we are perpetually interested in, drawn toward, and feel attraction to other humans. This is normal, good, and healthy. It can even be a lot of fun if we do not treat it with such fear and suspicion, as though there is some moral implication attached to it.

Instead, decide to enjoy this sparkling, thrilling, erotic aspect of being human and remember, it does not indicate a problem with your relationship, nor that something “must be done.” It is not sudden symbolism that “you are no longer into your current love.” You can be happily in love, and feel a phase of desire toward someone else at the same time. This happens all the time.

The key is this: every feeling does not require follow-up. Our emotions and feelings are ever-changing, ebbing, and flowing. Desire is one of them. A crush is only an emotion, one which will pass, and is going to come again (and again) with others down the line.

Love, on the other hand, is both a feeling and a choice. Who we decide to love and build a life with, this is a decision one makes every single day. And love is one of the greatest calls to action there is. This is something you invest in and build. It’s something you create and act on, over and over again.

Check out more about Brooke at

Fervent writer. Ravenous reader. Impassioned with words. Relationship researcher. Social Scientist. Social Justice Advocate. Author.

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